Starting Over.

Here I am. I’ve been censoring myself by not posting much of anything because I know I can be seen, but I need this space. I need a place where my fears, introspection, silliness, happiness, craziness, and honesty can live outside of my head. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I should be able to express myself without fear. My intentions are good, but maybe it’s not my responsibility to cater to someone else's feelings, especially when it causes me to suppress my own.

Who knows where I'll go from here. Maybe I’ll move on, maybe I'll break, maybe I'll over come. Who knows only time will tell. Well, here goes. My posts will probably be quite paradoxical, but that is just where I am right now (and forever and always). There are things that I couldn't be more happy about, there are things that I think could be the end of me, and I want to share them all. I want to give them a home outside of my skull, they deserve that, I deserve that.
What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.-MG
Slowly but surely I am beginning to realize that all the things in life that were so important to me really aren't. I have spent so much time being hung up that i honestly feel like i have wasted some important moments. The past year have flown by so fast and i feel like I have nothing to show for it. I need to become a more focused person. Get back to the Marah that I was before everything and everyone got into my head. I remember her. She used to want the world on a plate lol. Now she just wants a nap. There is so little time left for me to make the wrong things right again.

I want to be truly happy again, not this fake smile and laughing face everyone loves to see. I want to feel at peace again, the way I did last year at the edge of the falls. I can’t fulfill my wish to be supportive and caring if I’m constantly teetering on the edge of self destruction. I made this blog originally to be honest with myself and with anyone willing to listen. I've fallen away from that. I've taken instead to being falsely strong and unfeeling. I’m sorry for that. Sorry to myself for denying emotions, sorry to everyone that cares for me that may have witnessed my recent breakdown and sorry now to anyone who dislikes my sudden honesty. That’s going to be the last time I apologize for living my life. I need to start figuring out who I really am, and stop living a life that someone somewhere might approve off. I’m tired of feeling sick, I’m tired of letting myself be shit on and I’m tired of hiding myself. So I’m starting over. Back to square one. Clean Slate and all.

xx, myarah

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