One day he's here, the next day he's not. Sometimes he makes my heart melt. & sometimes he is a complete jerk and it gets really confusing. I’m starting to think this is some kinda of weird and sick joke, this thing between us, does makes no sense. I mean- he's not pushing me away, but he's not exactly coming after me either..

It’s nice figuring things out. You know, the kinds of things that fool you for so long, when they have been so obvious all along. Anyways, in my realization: I have been living with so many inconsistencies in my life and the biggest of them all is aligned with my love life; because in a way, I find beauty in chaos. And now my head is whizzing around this idea, like seriously why did I ever think this way for so long.

Until recently, i never realized how many hours, days, years we waste because of our inability to make concrete decisions. We spend so much time thinking, over analyzing, wondering. whether it’s for our careers, education, or relationships, etc., we are all guilty of stalling. We come up with half-ass excuses as to why it’s okay to delay things we should make priorities. “i really like her/him, she’/he
s great. i’m not sure i’m looking for a relationship… maybe we need some time… i just don’t know if it will work out…” You want that girl or guy to be yours? well, tell them how you feel - they won’t be waiting for you forever.

If there is one thing I hate the most it would be being randomly ignored. Like, at least be consistent in the way you treat me. Ignore me all together or be nice to me all the time. If you said you love me, then love me. If you said you’ll never leave me, don’t leave me. Be strong enough to live by your words. People’s feelings are not toys to play with. This back and forth, hot and cold thing you do is getting old and I’m over it.

Ain't nobody have time for these games... First they’re together, then they’re not. Then he says neither should be with another, but that they should be on a “break.” Then they decide summer is the best time to really get back together. Then she talks about that and he says that it doesn't work that way... To put it simply: He wants his Xbox. He doesn't want his Xbox. He wants to play his Xbox. He doesn't want to share his Xbox. HIS WILLINGNESS TOWARDS ANYTHING INVOLVING THEM ALL DEPENDS ON HOW HE WAKES UP.
I'm not a doll; stop toying with my emotions.
The reason why I woke up from all of this is that I’m just done with his indecisions. After all he's the guy, and I know when it comes to things guys always comes up with a firm and stronghold decisions but in my case he acts like he's the girl between us. lol I know that from the very start he's the kind of person that has no concrete direction. I mean when we started dating he told me a couple of stories from the past where he started pursuing the girl then in the end just changed his mind. Everything’s uncertain for him, that he were always afraid of what’s to come. And I’m the one who’s the “we’ll cross the bridge when we get there” type. I just think that it’s such a waste that we spent two years of our lives fooling ourselves. Why not just end it in one year or less? Maybe that way, it would be less painful. But, like I said, he's indecisive.

No matter how much one convinces themselves that their intentions are pure, it doesn’t make it right. It took me a while to grasp that concept, but I know now (although there are days in which I struggle, but that only makes me human). And trust me timing seems to be everything. And life is inconsistent, people are inconsistent, emotions are inconsistent - although sometimes we wish for them not to be.

xx, myarah

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