Numb.

It’s a terrible thing when you’re not able to feel anything towards anybody else anymore. I guess that’s when you really know your feelings are numb and that you’ve been hurt pretty badly by someone.

It's been a month, and now I feel nothing. Before when people would ask me how I feel I would have to say “fine” because I couldn't say I feel sad, depressed, alone, mad, angry etc, etc. But now when I say “fine” I’m not hiding a feeling because I feel nothing and that's fine. When I look into my heart and my soul it’s just this big open space of numbness. I don’t feel anything and yet I think it’s the best feeling I’ve ever had.

Numbness is worse than sadness. When I’m sad, I know I’m alive.

You know the feeling of numbness like you are slipping. Like the one person you thought would stay around, is turning, slowly, just so you can see their back as they walk away. You are losing a connection. Losing the feelings. Losing the love that you once had for that person who used to mean the world to you. You don’t think clearly, you can’t process anything. Your mind is racing, you are raging. All of the pain, sadness is gone.

I can't feel anything anymore, just this numbness.. i basically became detached from whatever feelings i have for him... i don't care anymore. When his name is on my news feed, i feel nothing, it's like he became just everybody else in my friend list, not someone special anymore. So I guess that's a good indicator that I'm actually has a progress in moving on. It’s strange. I barely/don't want to talk about him anymore. I rarely check my phone to even see if he messaged me unlike before… I don’t try to have my phone around me Just-In-Case he does. When I hear his name…NOTHING…

I can’t explain what’s going on but I’m definitely embracing it. Easier to act nonchalant than caring so much to end up upset. I’m NUMB, and it’s such a breath of fresh air from the sadness and disappointment that I used to deal with before going to bed. *Shrugs*
“I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there”
— Linkin Park (Numb)

Whenever I'm with my friends, bumming around and doing crazy things, i just show them little emotion, i can still smile and laugh just about anything but I know it doesn't reach my eyes. That's something that I've lost, when they're talking to me I'm giving them one or two-word answers, I'm becoming such a bore, a frankenstein.

I've gone numb without even noticing it. I’m not a sad depressing person, I think this is just for now. Quite opposite actually. I believe I’m quite happy and bubbly most of the time. I think I come from a caring family and I’m well provided for. However, I think I’m losing a part of me that I can’t take back. Maybe I’ve already lost it but there’s just something that I used to feel that I don’t anymore. I don’t think anything lasts forever so there’s really no reason to force anything.



bloggin'
xx, myarah

6 comments

Amanda | April 4, 2012 at 8:05 PM

that's a part of moving on, you'll feel nothing, then trust me that will become hate..

I love this post, and the new layout where you actually put a quote section, i love your site! :)

Anonymous | April 4, 2012 at 8:31 PM

nice blog!! you're on the road to recovery :-)

Marah Gaa | April 4, 2012 at 9:32 PM

Amanda - I really do hope that this won't turn to hate. honestly.

anon1 - thank youu!! :)

Jaem | April 4, 2012 at 9:54 PM

Really loving your posts :) from previous to recent :) - iimaj

Marah Gaa | April 4, 2012 at 11:06 PM

Jaem - wow, thank youuu! katouch!! :"> :D

Monty Still Rules:) | April 5, 2012 at 2:27 AM

I love you post, they are real true and full of pain,they makes me cry...but truth is always hard to accept <3

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