So there we were. Together but not together. And as always, not knowing what the hell we were doing and where the hell we were going.
I think I've already cried my hardest this weekend, and now i feel so weak to even shed another pints of it. One huge sigh, he should have never enter my life again, should have never came back last 2 months ago because I'm thinking if he hadn't return, i already moved on by now & accepted the fact that he's not going to be mine completely. But for some funny fate, he did came back, i won't say that i'm not glad about it because for the last two months i'm with my happiness. But then again for some reason I bumped my head so hard with the reality that our relationship isn't worth the complications anymore. That i need to move on from him, from what we had, from everything because this isn't going anywhere, he wants me to stay & he wants me to move on - i can't do it both. I don't know what's my stand on his life until last night. You people might say that I'm overreacting, but you can never really judge because you haven't felt what i felt in the first place.
Last Saturday night we talked about what's happening... i'm actually a lil pissed at him because for the past week, he's becoming Mr. Mixed Signals once again and it's driving me over the edge. I thought it's better to talk the issues straight with him, so I did. The conversation started with lots of awkward silences, i told him why i'm in a bitchy mood then. Then he just told me "Can we just chill? Just be steady?". That caught me off-guard, coz i was just aiming for a simple console but instead that's what i got. I asked myself am i being hard on him? i mean i don't think i'm demanding anything, im not even asking for anything in return and my friends knows that.
Then fast forward i asked him "Do i now have to move on?" because it would pain me to be in this situation without certainty, that any day from now i'll be replaced. And he said "Yes". Then it made me remember just about last week he posted a picture of me on Instagram with the caption "my everything", but to what happened last night... it made me step back and re-evaluate it all. *cries* Then i haven't noticed tears were already streaming down on my face, i haven't got the chance to pull it all back. Geeezzz i hate being a cry-baby. And i've said to him "You know, i envy you because you can take this lightly but me... this". </3
I've met my friends after we talked, the moment i saw them.. it made me cry even more. I need to face reality and move on. Even though I don’t necessarily want to, but I have to. I mean what’s the point of being in love with someone when they don’t even love you back yet alone wants you. It’s just causing pain for one person. I shouldn’t hold on to the memories that we had or the words that he built me up with, to make me feel special but I know that I will never forget them. They will eventually not cross my mind as strong and as frequent as they do now but I will always remember them. I hate to face reality but I have to move on but I really don’t want to let go yet. It would be a really long journey for me to move on, i knoww, because when i love, i really love regardless of the situation.
It's a shame because once again I got my heart broken twice, by the same guy. Damn it, i love him too much, maybe i'll always will. && You know when a boy breaks a girl's heart, its much, much, much more than you know it affected her. Her tears are not only to show how much it hurt but to at least try to blur out the world so she can forget. She might smile, but it just mean that she's being strong for her own sake. She asks every sleeping and waking moment what the hell did she did wrong? That when she looks at the photos of you with her, she tries to delete it but can't because they're a very beautiful memories to keep. That she can't throw away the stuffs and carefully preserved flowers you gave her because you gave it to her. That whenever she thinks of the "I love you" words you told her, she mutters "I love you, too" but realizes she can't say it anymore. That it's like the whole world is tumbling before her very eyes. You don't know what it feels like.
There is no formula in moving on. But the best way to overcome that past love is to ACCEPT.