Mind Over Matter.

“If you ask me, how i’m doing; i would say i’m doing just fine. I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind, but i go out and i sit down at a table set for two; and finally i’m forced to face the truth, no matter what i say; i’m not over you”— Gavin DeGraw

Today flipping through my bestfriends' Blackberry album I saw a picture of me and my ex. We broke up for about 5 months ago. The picture was taken last Valentine's day (21411) when he showed up and surprised me with a bouquet of flowers at my school. Still made me tongue tied, butterflied and forget everything. My heart pretty much could’ve launched out of my chest. Shell-shocked, that's the last thing I'd expect to see on her phone, i mean i know about that 'stolen picture' (me holding the flowers while smiling happily at him). The good old times, I thought she already deleted it but i guess not. Looking at it, at the face of the guy that I’ve been trying to remove the engraved hold on my mind and heart. Just his picture made my heart stop, and I realized I was far from being over him. What more if I'd get to see him? Just imagine the what-ifs. *laughs* HAHAHA

I’ll always miss what we had; even the misunderstanding and the lil fights in between. What we had, to others, might had been avoidable. But personally, attraction cannot be ignored. Through all the pain and smiles we both admitted that it was something extremely special. Even though we both admit such, it doesn't change the fact that things had ended. All these space that developed between us, it made me really think that beyond all those downs' there's a lot more good stuffs between you and me - all the dreams, the  future, the should've, could've & would've. There's really more for us.. but it was washed away when things became so fast to complicated. So complicated for us to even be fixed.

I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could turn off my brain and stop my mind from wandering. It wanders over to the edge of the water; an unsafe territory. You’re there. You’re always there. I thought that letting go would be easier than this. I was so wrong.

It's been a few months and I’m not quite sure if I had cried the last tear for him yet, but I’m trying my best to really not allow him to enter my head anymore. I keep myself busy, preoccupied about anything. I haven’t been completely successful at it but i'm getting good at it. See, I don’t know if he will ever leave my heart. I figured, I can at least keep him off my mind. Sometimes, however, it’s not as easy as it seems. He’d get in there and affect my heart. Then it will hurt more than it ever did before.

We both walked down different paths now. I’ve grown to know what kind of person that I need to be or more so I've to grown to expose myself to different situations to toughen me up during the past months. I was honest enough to lower down some walls so he would know the truth. I stand by to what I have told him. What we cannot help, can never be present.
The worst part is when he enters my dream, this happens more often than before. Like seriously, Nyx, Queen of the Night & Dreams, What are you up to? What's up with that?. HAHA LOL && You know when everything seems real in the dream. You actually forgot that you're in a dream. Then you wake up and you realized even more that it was gone and that he was gone, and while you’re still thinking about him, dreaming about him— that he’s completely over you. Then without noticing it, the tears that you thought ran out comes back pouring down and you ask yourself again, when does it stop?
Well It didn’t work today—getting him off my mind..guess I’ll try again tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. Maybe one day, I wouldn't think about him this much, and maybe pain will give me a break for a while. Someday, somehow. *winks

xx, myarah


Anonymous | December 10, 2011 at 9:24 PM

you'll get over it :)

Gisella | December 10, 2011 at 10:07 PM

dammit it keeps better and better!!

Anonymous | December 10, 2011 at 11:08 PM

if i can forget, im sure you too girl!! - Gen

Maegan Lo | December 10, 2011 at 11:21 PM

this post actually made me cry. ;'( the dreaming part and the crying all over again. ):

Anonymous | December 11, 2011 at 6:13 PM

nice. :D

Myarahh | December 11, 2011 at 8:28 PM

Anon#1 - haha thanks for the spirit! lol <3 :)

Gisella - thanks dear reader :*

Gen - Lucky you!! <3 HAHAHAHA

Maegan Lo - I swear i didnt meant to made you cry. ;( *cheerup!!

Anon#2 - HAHA thank you!

Anonymous | December 11, 2011 at 8:40 PM

Hello it brought me into a sudden mood.I feel you,my girlfriend and I broke up a month ago.Guy over here!

Glenn Kun | December 11, 2011 at 9:16 PM

hey hottie. nice post :((


Myarahh | December 11, 2011 at 9:19 PM

AnonymousGuy - oh seriously? that's so sad.. how're ya coping? xx

@Glenn Kun - thanks && Cheer up! (:

anthonette | December 12, 2011 at 4:41 PM

luveeet! <3 <3 pretty blogger && post! *wink lemeyen. HAHA. gow! push beybi! lol

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