Time Check: 2:54 AM
This would be my very first personal post to date. I don't know if you're going to find it boring, inspiring, intimidating, or pure garbage. But anyway it doesn't really matter because this is my site. Just practicing my freedom of/to speech. Take it or leave it. *smile
Most people say they would go back to do 'things' right. But not me... i don't regret meeting you or falling in love with you, even after all the hateful things that had just happened. Day 16 after it all ended. I really can't comprehend this, my mind is still in full-scale shock. I keep on thinking that we could really have it all and it's a shame that it ended before it truly begin. No regrets though, i love because i love, not because i just had to love. It still hurts, everyday you fight the urge not to cry in front of many people, to act like you don't care and not hurting, to keep your mask of courage all the time and so many things just to show that you're okay.
I've been doing a pretty well job showing my 'tough-girl-act' in front of everyone until last night some guy keeps on ranting about how he courted his now ex-gf for four months but dumping him after 1 week of relationship. Yeah i understand that he's hurting and all that, but what makes me pissed about it is he talks like all the woman in the world is worst than the worst. Judging the whole female-population is very bad! He keeps on blabbing that he valued her, loved her, gave effort and time but still wasn't enough. At first it's funny because he's making dubious threats like "i'm gonna give my ex an uppercut if ever i;m going to see her". This one made the whole gang laugh so hard, i even joked to my friends that: 'do you think my ex also wants to throw an uppercut punch at me?' just for laughs. As time goes by, it became a debate with the issue: Why does men/women always so complicated.
It seems like forever, too many exchanges of reasons why, throwing everything back and forth, their minds are set to win the argument & then it hit me. After 3 weeks of suppressing my emotions, i broke down. Walked away from the crowd, crying and crying. I can no longer bottled it all inside me. Feels like i'm watching a scene from a movie, cry the cry and the tears just won't stop even after i bit my lips so hard to change the pain from emotional to physical. I feel worse than ever. I've really hit my lowest point this time. The reality that he's gone strike me to the core, i can't feel any exhaustion. I just broke down the whole night till sunrise, no sleep. Made a total wreck of myself. They say true love hurts, but damn this almost killed me. If ever you wonder where are my friends the whole night well i ask someone to let anyone know that i need an alone-time and they respected and understand it really well. Looking at the vast night sky, hearing a loud silence, stars shining so bright, moon above you, you're on a beach shore - pretty much a romantic setting except the girl sitting there was me, all alone, breaking down.
It made me think, and wonder why do they call it a heartbreak, if every part of my body is aching. I cried it all out not caring to what kind of a mess will i look like when the sun goes up in the following morning & just out of nowhere the realization hits you, like God just whisper to you something and in that instant you knew what to do. Everyday is a battlefield, you have to fight all the way just to have that peace that you deserve. Thing wouldn't be always go smoothly, you will really have to face tough storms and hope that there's a rainbow with a pot of gold in the end of it. Instead of making myself a big shit why not do things that would make yourself, your family, even your former flame and everyone that you loved proud. I'm still hurting but everyday i'm waking up with that reason and it makes me want to strive and be a better version of myself. Expect nothing and appreciate everything, may it be good or bad... it's still your choice how things will work out in the end. Just trust God.
Time Check: 3:59 am